I feel my old depression is coming back. I’ve been pregnant with boredom for some time now, and depression is what will be born of that boredom – I’m starting to feel the labour pains and feeling the need to push…
But I don’t want to. I don’t want to be depressed again, I’ve been keeping it away for years now, I don’t want to go back there. I haven’t been able to sleep for over a week now: insomnia is one of the classic symptoms, one of the starting points… I keep getting images of the knives in the kitchen, holding one of them against the flesh of my forearm, whipping it across and away, seeing the red liquid line appear in it’s place…I don’t want to go back there, I don’t want to be like that again.
My life has come to a standstill as I wait for my new contract to start while being regularly informed by the agencies that there just isn’t anything available anywhere at the moment (expecting things to pick up again in the new year), applying for jobs via the local paper but receiving ‘no thanks’ letters because obviously I don’t have exactly the right experience or don’t have my own transport or just don’t ‘feel’ right from the tone of my application, or whatever it is…I’m struggling to fill my days with walking around, exploring neighbouring regions of Hertfordshire, getting the bus now and then – anything to try and tire me out so I can sleep at night. But I still don’t sleep. Whichever side I lie on, wherever I put my legs, my hips hurt; whichever way I turn my head I can’t switch my brain off, and I cover the pillow in tears every night, I think my mind hates me, it just throws all these horrible thoughts at me to really hurt me and make me cry.
I need to kill myself, that’s obviously what everything’s leading up to. But I can’t even do that – there’s no way I could leave my parents to pay off my 2-and-a-half-grand credit card bill and over-ten-grand student loan. That’s my main aim in life now – get job, save enough money to pay off debts. It’s the only thing I have to live for, there really is nothing else in my life worth staying around for. I don’t have any friends in St Albans, there’s nowhere for me to go to meet people, nothing around here that fits in with any of my interests, nothing social I could do by myself. The people I love are all in Liverpool, London, Holland or Portugal – all places I can’t afford to travel to if I’m to save enough money to pay off my debts before I ‘go’. So I spend my days not seeing anyone, not talking to anyone – the only contact I have with other people is the people in shops that I browse in, people from the agencies who phone me, or the two guys I live with. My phone package gives me free minutes between 7.30pm and 7.30am, but only a certain amount, according to the amount I top it up by – I’ve used all my free minutes for this month now. But I’d hate to phone anyone in this state, I’d end up crying and incomprehensible and dragging everyone down with me (and as everyone knows, I hate doing that).
I’ve had enough now of being alone, rejected, abandoned – and enough of waiting. Waiting for my life to start, wanting to get it started myself but not knowing what I want to do or how to go about anything. I’ve thought of going back to education, of learning a skill, but I can’t decide on what, and guess what? Can’t afford the tuition fees! So there’s something else I might save up for but probably won’t save enough in time for next September, or for applying, which is around now – but apply for what? Teacher training course? Set and Stage design? Masters in Art? Milinary? How do I decide, how do I know… What do I do in the meantime?
My life plan is now as follows – get jobs here and there, work on paying off debts, kill self. What’s the point in saving for the future when I clearly don’t have one… I’d only have to move back to Liverpool at some stage and be a financial and emotional burden on my parents again, like I always was, but I really don’t want to do that again, they don’t deserve it. Any why am I writing all this in here? For a record, for myself, to look back on and see where my mind was at the time, what might have started the chain of events that led me to wherever I happen to be. I’ll try to give myself a year, or two, to pay everything off, work as hard as I can on that. And if I manage it, I should be dead by the end of 2010. That can be my goal.